Men
in India are already beginning to celebrate as the annual Assam Rape Festival
is just days away. Every non-married girl age 7-16 will have the chance to flee
to safety or get raped.
Madhuban
Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters why the event is so
important. “This is a long time tradition in Assam dating back thousands of
years,” says Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise
they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is necessary
for everyone.”
The
Assam Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu raped everyone in his
village of Doomdooma. Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this
event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called “The
Baalkrishan”.
24-year-old
Harikrishna Majumdar told reporters that he has been training all year for this
event. “I’m going to get the most rapes this year. I’ve been practicing all
year. I rape my sister and her friends every day. I will be rape superstar
number one! I will get the Baalkrishan prize this year for sure!”
12-year-old
Jaitashri Majumdar told reporters she almost made it through last year’s
festival without getting raped. “I came so close to not getting raped. I almost
got to the ‘rape-free-zone’ at the edge of town, but at the last minute 9 men
jumped on me and raped me. Luckily I am just recovering now so I can
participate in this year’s events, otherwise I would be put to death by
stoning.”
34-year-old
Brian Barnett from Toronto who is visiting Assam on business told reporters he
will be missing the festivities this year. “My company did not tell me anything
about a rape festival happening while I was here. Are you serious, a rape
festival? I’m getting the f*ck out of this backwards country tonight.”
India
is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States, though
critics are quick to point out that is only because most rapes in India go
unreported.
Well, now we know why, they celebrate it.
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