Delayed
marriage, have you experienced it? Gone are the days we used to think it was a
woman’s ‘headache’ but today, have you not seen guys who have gone past the age
of forty without any plans or assurance of settling down in marriage? Tell me,
why have we been laughing at the women folk as the only victim? Any way you
enter, people ridicule single women who are of age but not married- every move
a woman makes is misinterpreted for seduction and attention seeking, why?
Meanwhile, guys spin and wink to lure women even when bashed.
It
is good to marry but when there is a delay I’m of the opinion life should go on
as it were. You do not need to kill yourself for what you cannot change.
The
courage to bear your ‘cross’ without complaining to the whole world is an
obvious sign of maturity.
The mere mention of the word marriage causes
so much concern to this generation; it is either you hear people lament it
(marriage) is not forth coming or when it finally comes, the problems that roll
with it seem to overwhelm its merits.
Despite all these, singles still desire this divine union with a passion
and some get frustrated when it is not happening when envisaged but to a large
extent, others have come to accept their fate whether marriage comes or not.
The
point here is not trying to find out if they are happy or not but to salute
their courage to move on with life as if all was well. In deed this article is
coming from this direction- trying its bit to cheer the gloomy faces and
actually saying ‘life is big and deep’ there are a whole lot of things you can
do with your life.
I
have had the opportunity of speaking with a couple of persons who have tasted,
fought and overcome delayed marriage.
One
of them said “I’m tired of trying to make things work, the more I try to get
settled the little result my effort yields. I grew up as a pretty little girl
who had a fair share of the good things life could offer. Seeing and having so
much at my disposition gave me a false impression of life. I was taught the difference
between the rich and the poor, who were supposed to be my friends, where to go
and where to shun. This eventually made me live in a world too far from
reality.
When
it was time for me to enter university, my parents decided it was either I went
abroad or nothing. It was not my first time of traveling abroad so to say I was
excited is blackmail but knowing the kind of parents I had, argument would only
aggravate daddy’s anger and mummy would be simply irritated, I had to quickly
make up my mind to comply. At the eve of my departure, friends and relations
flooded the house, some stayed over to the next day, my maternal and paternal
grandparents whispered to each other with uncontrollable grins suggesting their
pride in my academic success.
As
everything went dead and people retired to rest, mummy called me for a private
talk. With little or no idea of what she had in mind for me, I sat by her side
and to my surprise, mummy had nothing to say about my academics, instead, she
said I should be careful not to wine and dine with the poor. Before I could
even ask why, she added that I should not also date a foreigner as I had no
business staying back in their country after my education. She made it clear to
me that my father wanted me to study abroad, come back to Africa and show the
people he has a successful child.
Baffled
by what mother said, I imagined how I was going to sample guys to finally get
one that belonged to my class and will be accepted by my parents. Getting to
the UK, the respect I had for my mum made it difficult for me to respond to
advances by foreigners no matter the crush I felt for them. To know my parents
well is to say that disobedience was never tolerated under their roof.
For
a whole year, I stayed without a date (this helped me in a way to settle down
academically) but after a while, the female friends I made over there made me
feel out of place. I tried explaining to them it was in no way my fault as I
got no one that matched my desire.
Moved by pity, Bessie, my roommate played a
fast one and linked me with a rich man’s son who was born and raised in his
country home. Definitely, our values were different and to say the least, we
were simply incompatible and parted ways sooner than anyone could intervene.
As
I laid on my bed brooding over the separation, I wondered, did mummy forget to
tell me it was difficult to find both love and riches in one pack
(relationship)? Perhaps her own time was different, how could she ever dream
that guys who were born with mega silver spoon in the mouth would know the
rudiments of love and respect for a woman- have they tasted sacrifice, do they
know about endurance? Can they be patient with people’s weaknesses when they
were taught to scold, blame or shout at people who err in the delivery of their
duty?
Indeed,
finding true love became a serious problem for me, friends who could not cope
with my ‘selective’ attitude (or better put my mummy’s selective nature imposed
on me) cleverly avoided the issue each time I attempted to bring it up. The
next thing I was looking forward to was the day I will finish my course and get
back to my mum, narrating the experience as I look straight into her eyes for
reactions.
Coming
back to the country was not in any way a relief to my emotion as I was still
unable to secure a relationship for myself. Friends and acquaintances I left
behind thought my promises to come back were mere sham. Some were engaged while
others had already turned parents. Being a little more advanced in age then put
me in a position of defense. I viewed everyone with suspicion, thinking they
have come to take advantage of me. Before I knew it, all suitors disappeared,
leaving me more confused and almost developing hatred for my mother. I summed
up courage to ask my mum why she adopted the approach of “match your class” to
my relationship. She really did not have any concrete reason to give but kept
repeating “all these, I did for your own good”.
As
I rehearsed the pains that flew from my mother’s supposed control/influence
over my choice of a life partner, there came a time I realized crying over spilt milk will only
cause me more frustration. As such, every bit of my energy was directed toward
building a happy future despite what I had lost.
Immediately,
plans to take over daddy’s business was under way and before long, I proved to
them (daddy, mummy and their friends) my study abroad was not in vain.
Without
pretense, life really got interesting and challenging but not tough. My belief
in what I could do made me develop a positive attitude toward the challenges
that confronted me. Very soon, I discovered life could go on fine without
complaining about what you do not have; I have decided to enjoy my life whether
marriage comes or not. Anyway, I’m still open, if it comes fine but if not, my
life must go on well”.
A
word for parents:
•Your
life is different from your children’s so let them live life to the fullest,
provided, they are not involved in things that would hinder progress.
•When
it comes to sensitive issues, try to advice and not command/recommend. A mature
mind should be able to take decisions without blaming others for their
influence.
•Allow
your children to take steps they can defend.
•Every
parent would love to control his /her child but please set them free.
A
word for singles
•Do
not start what you cannot finish.
•Have
a concrete plan for your life so you would not be tossed by people’s
disposition.
•Take
responsibility for your life; don’t blame people for your failure.
•Make
up your mind to succeed.
•Even
if you have made mistakes, shake it off and face your life again.
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