Want a successful relationship? Give power to your partner and compromise

Next time you're arguing with your partner, instead of saying sorry, try giving them some of your 'relationship power'.

New research from Baylor University has found that rather than apologising, the key to a successful relationship is relinquishing some of the power in the relationship to the other person. 

This includes giving a partner more independence, admitting faults, showing respect and being willing to compromise.

The research results are based on two studies of married or cohabitating people carried out by Keith Sanford, an associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University's College of Arts and Sciences in Texas. 

'It's common for partners to be sensitive to how to share power and control when making decisions in their relationship,' said Sanford. 

Following closely behind the desire for shared control was the wish for the partner to show more of an investment in the relationship through such ways as sharing intimate thoughts or feelings, listening, and sharing chores and activities.

In the first study, 455 married participants aged between 18 and 77 -  with marriages ranging from less than one year to 55 years - were asked to independently list desired resolutions to a current or ongoing conflict .

This included anything from a minor disagreement or misunderstanding to a big argument. 

From those answers, 28 individual categories were identified, which researchers then organised into six types of desired resolution.

'We definitely respond to whether we gain or lose status,' Sanford said. 

'When we feel criticised, we are likely to have underlying concerns about a perceived threat to status and when that happens, we usually want a partner simply to disengage and back off.'

THE SIX MOST DESIRED BEHAVIOUR TYPES IN RELATIONSHIPS

Reliquishing power was the most desired behaviour people wanted from their spouses, according to the research from Baylor University.  

The other types, from most to least common, were:

To show investment in the relationship and dedicate more time to a partner. 

To stop adversarial and confrontational behaviour.

To communicate more with each other.

To show affection.

Last on the list was to make an apology.

In a second study, 498 different participants aged between 19 and 81 - with length of marriages ranging from less than one year to 51 years - answered 28 questions. 

The questionnaire measured how much people wanted each of the categories of desired resolution that were identified in the first study. 

The findings were consistent with the first study results, Sanford said.

'The things couples want from each other during conflicts will depend on their underlying concerns, and to resolve conflicts, they may need to use different tactics to address different underlying concerns,' he said. 

'The husband might buy flowers and that might be helpful if his partner has a concern involving perceived neglect.

'But if the partner has a concern involving perceived threat, then the flowers won't do much to address the issue.'

Earlier studies of more than 3,500 married people found that there are just two basic types of underlying concerns that couples experience during conflicts.

These were 'perceived threats', in which a person thinks that his or her status is threatened by a critical or demanding partner; and 'perceived neglect,' in which an individual sees a partner as being disloyal, inattentive or not giving enough time to a relationship.